


Oceans of Guilt

by celestialcupid



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, SNK Universe, and erwin only has one arm, and mike is only mentioned, hanji only speaks like twice, low-key mike and hanji, mostly it's just levi's monologue for most of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:16:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3651729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialcupid/pseuds/celestialcupid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi feels responsible for the loss of Erwin's arm and has a hard time leaving his side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oceans of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is right after Erwin comes back missing his arm and I completely disregarded the chapter where he and Levi interact. So, if it bothers you that I went out of the story like that, then don't read it because I really just took my own liberties with this.

Levi always did what Erwin told him without fail. He could barely remember a time when he questioned the Commander. The small but, powerful man became Humanity’s Strongest just like Erwin wanted. He went to snooty parties with Erwin, he went to meetings with him, he even stayed inside the walls when Erwin told him to nurse his leg. Yes, Levi never failed to follow his commander.

 

The dark haired man stared at the sleeping form of his commander. The blonds right arm now ended just below his shoulder. Levi folded into himself, for once wishing that he were smaller. How could he let this happen? Erwin put his trust into his captain, trusted him to lead them to victory, trusted him to protect as many of the recruits as he could.

 

Levi already struggled with personally blaming himself for the deaths of so many of the new recruits and now there Erwin was, laying motionless. The only proof that he was still alive was the slow rise and fall of his broad chest.

 

When Erwin was brought in through the walls, barely conscious, Levi immediately tried to be by his side. Furious at first, because Erwin was supposed to be invincible, able to handle and take everything but, there he was, one arm and hardly breathing. After the anger passed, the guilt was unbearable and since then, even when the medics told him to, he didn’t leave Erwin’s side. He _would_ be there when Erwin woke up. 

 

He wasn’t there to protect his commander. He wasn’t there for the one man that saw him as something more than a thief. And for every moment that Erwin continued to sleep, was another moment that guilt continued to swallow him. Levi refused to cry, though. He would not cry. Erwin wouldn’t find the purpose in his tears. Though, Erwin would wonder why Levi was just sitting there and not getting work done. 

 

How would Erwin fill out those endless mountains of paperwork with the loss of his dominant arm? Another moment of self-loathing and Levi couldn’t contain the sob in his throat. More than anything, it sounded like gagging and Levi wanted to open up the ground and let it swallow him whole.

 

The door opened and Hanji walked in, trying to be as quiet as possible. “Levi, this isn’t heathy. Please go get some sleep. I’ll watch him for you.” their voice was soft, almost soothing. 

 

But Levi couldn’t be soothed. He raised his head and met Hanji’s eyes. “No. Hanji, no. You know I can’t. I just-” he looked back at Erwin. “I can’t leave.”

 

“He’s safe, Levi. There’s nothing else we can do,” they sighed. “You never sleeping will not change anything.”

 

“What else am I supposed to do?” Levi yelled, tears collecting around his eyes. “I wasn’t there, Hanji! I wasn’t there when he needed me. I could’ve protected him. I could’ve brought him back in one piece. I could’ve killed that fucking titan or—fuck, I don’t know! I could’ve done something! But I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there,” Levi once again folded in on himself and shook violently. “Just go, Hanji. I can’t leave him. I won’t leave him.”

 

Without saying another word, Hanji turned on their heel and quickly left the room. Levi shifted slightly, letting his head rest on Erwin’s bed. His head rested where Erwin’s hand should’ve been. Levi hesitantly reached out his hand to the bloody stump where his arm should be. He stilled his hand right before actually touching it. The smaller man settled for placing his hand over Erwin’s beating heart.

 

“Please don’t leave.” Levi whispered as he slowly fell asleep.

 

~~~

 

Days continued to pass slowly and Levi finally consented to leaving Erwin’s room at least once a day. Hanji practically dragged him out the first time, but since then Levi knew leaving on his own free will was much easier. Every time he left Erwin, he was afraid he would come back to an empty room, or to a dead commander. Levi still had trouble deciding what would be worse.

 

Each day, Levi would leave the quiet room around lunch time to bathe and eat. Like clockwork, Levi would refuse to be gone from Erwin’s side for more than two hours. Sometimes Hanji or Mike joined him during lunch and Levi decided that he could’ve had worse company. Most just tried their best to stay out of his way, though.

 

Other than the heavy guilt weighing on him, nothing really felt different. People always had avoided him, but with Erwin almost on his deathbed, Levi knew that everything could easily change. Levi knew he would live if Erwin really died, but he also knew it would be so much easier if he lived.

 

~~~

 

Levi decided to go to Erwin’s room one day instead of to his own. He knew it would only be painful, but he still went. It would be the first time since Erwin came back and, even as he entered the empty room, he couldn’t bring himself to regret his decision. 

 

The room was a mess, to say the least. Papers strewn everywhere and clothing left haphazardly on the floor. Levi almost smiled because, of course, _of course_ Erwin would leave his room in this unacceptable state. 

 

He started to pick up the shirts and pants, trying to create some semblance of a tidy room. Though, while holding the dirty clothes, he realized the room smelled only of Erwin and dust. Levi almost chocked at the realization and dropped the clothes back onto the floor. 

In his attempt to run out, Levi tripped on a pile of books and fell, ungracefully, onto some of them. Slowly, he picked himself up, nursing his hurt leg, and inspected the books that he fell on. 

 

One of them was a book he remembered. It was a book that Erwin showed him when he first brought Levi to the corps. Levi smiled fondly at the worn pages and knew that Erwin spent countless nights reading and re-reading it. It was a book about oceans and Levi knew it was supposed to be forbidden. 

 

_“To prove that I want to be free as much you do.”_ Erwin said, when he brought the book out.

 

Levi grabbed the book and ran out. He didn’t return to Erwin’s room.

 

~~~

 

Levi was eating when it happened. Hanji burst into the mess hall as if they were deranged, which was actually very possible.

 

“Levi, there you are!” they yelled across the room.

 

“Too loud, Shitty four-eyes.” Levi muttered.  

 

Hanji smiled at the familiar nickname. “He’s awake.”

 

Levi was up in a flash, leaving his food and walking as quickly as he could. Of course, he would wake up when Levi wasn’t there. Of course, he would. That was just his luck, Levi almost laughed at the irony of it all. Hanji didn’t follow him and he was grateful. He had to see Erwin. He burst into Erwin’s room with such force that it would’ve scared anyone, except the commander.

 

“Levi.” his voice was noticeably strained, but he hid his pain well.

 

“Erwin. How are you feeling?” After actually seeing Erwin awake, Levi finally felt the energy that had been carrying him, fade into almost nothing. He stumbled his way to the chair beside Erwin’s bed and practically fell into it.

 

“I’m fine,” he looked at the stump that was now his right arm. “Well, I suppose I’m not fine. I seem to be missing a piece.” he tried to joke, but his face was still somber. “The doctor gave me something to help with the pain.” 

 

Levi sagged, letting his head rest on the side of the bed. “You idiot.” he whispered.

 

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice was soft.

 

“You fucking idiot. You goddamn fucking idiot. I should just kill you right now for being so reckless.” Levi knew he should be kinder, but he couldn’t help it.

 

Erwin attempted to chuckle. “I did just lose an arm, Levi.”

 

“And who’s stupid fault was that?” he shot back.

 

The larger man sighed and sat back on the pillows. Levi’s head rested next to Erwin’s left arm and he slowly moved his hand to run it through Levi’s hair. 

 

“Hanji told me that you have been staying here every night, barely leaving my side,” his hand stilled. “It seems it would be just our luck that I would wake up the one time that you weren’t here.”

 

Levi raised his head to look at his commander and Erwin’s hand trailed down to cup the smaller mans cheek. Levi gratefully leaned into the warm touch that Erwin offered and silently thanked him over and over again, for making it back alive. 

 

“It seems we always have rotten luck.” Levi muttered, closing his eyes. 

 

“Yes, well, that can’t really be helped now, can it?” Erwin smiled gently.

 

Erwin removed his hand from Levi’s face and he instantly opened his eyes only to find Erwin reading the book that he had taken from his room. Levi felt guilty, seeing Erwin read the book that he had so obviously taken because, really, who else would’ve brought that exact book?

 

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up to see this waiting for me,” the fondness in Erwin’s face grew as he continued to turn the pages. “Do you remember when I showed this to you? What was is it that I said to you, again?” 

 

“‘ _To prove that I want to be free as much you do.’_ ” Levi recited back to him.

 

“Ah, yes,” Erwin grinned. “One day, I hope the two of us can go see the oceans together.”

 

Levi nodded. “I tried—” he cut himself off, as if searching for the words. “I wanted to read it to you while you slept, but I…” he trailed off, knowing that Erwin could guess his next words.

 

“But you can’t read.” Erwin finished for him.

 

The slightest blush colored Levi’s ears and unless you knew where to look, you would’ve missed it. Erwin sighed and scanned the pages for particularly beautiful drawing of the ocean. He turned the book to show Levi and the smaller man gratefully took it from Erwin’s hand. His face showed obvious interest and he stared at the drawing as if trying to commit it to memory. Erwin rested against the pillows and closed his eyes.

 

“You can’t read to me, but you can explain the pictures, can’t you?” there was a ghost of a smile on Erwin’s lips.

 

“O-of course, I can,” Levi cleared his throat. “The water… is dark blue, but the sun is reflecting off the water so- So in some places it’s almost gold. Uh, t-there’s sand where the—fuck, what are they called?” Levi stumbled over his words.

 

“Waves?” Erwin suggested, eyes still shut.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Levi nodded. “There’s sand where the waves are hitting. I-it’s really beautiful, Erwin.”

 

Erwin opened his eyes to meet Levi’s gaze. “Yes, it is. I can’t wait until I can show you the real thing.”

 

“Old man, you can barely keep yourself in one piece without me. At this point, I’ll be the one to show you.” a hint of a smile brushed across Levi’s face.

 

The blond gave a throaty chuckle. “I suppose you’re right, but I will always have the moment where I showed you what the ocean is.” 

 

Sitting in the small room, with Erwin missing an arm, Levi knew the likelihood of them actually seeing the ocean. But, Levi also knew that sometimes, some things were better left unsaid. So, instead, he wiggled his way into the bed next to Erwin and rested his head on the sturdy chest of his commander. Erwin automatically wrapped his remaining arm around Levi’s shoulders. Maybe they couldn’t make it to the ocean, but in that moment, it didn’t matter. For as short a time as it would last, they found their own little bit of peace and they weren’t going to let it go.

 

 


End file.
